When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
