hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
