i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
