Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
