She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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