Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Randomize
