that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
