this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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