I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
