i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
