I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
