what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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