i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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