Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize