I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Randomize
