I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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