Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
