You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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