Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
