This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
