ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
