Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
