They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
