i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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