sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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