You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
