Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
