wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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