i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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