I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
