i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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