Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
