What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
