I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
