brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
