I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
