Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
