i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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