I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
