i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
