I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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