Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
