I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My butt remains clenched, sir.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
