Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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