Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
