There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
