Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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