i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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