I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
