never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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