Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
